That voice saying you're an imposter is right
But the joke isn't on you
The inevitability of self-doubt
Do I need to define “imposter syndrome”?
It accompanies every success. Every time we achieve something, embark on a new venture, or are praised for our work, there is an impulse to doubt whether everyone who thinks we are succeeding is wrong. I think we have all wondered whether we were less worthy than people made us out to be.
This is a topic that gets lots of play in graduate school.
As a doctoral student, I know about the programs that rejected me, making me wonder whether the one that accepted me made a mistake. I am surrounded by other students who have more experience in my field, more publications, better assistantships on campus, and a wider network of connections. I am surrounded by faculty who are well known in higher education. I am taking challenging coursework with people who are better at it than me.
I don’t deserve to be here.
When you hear pep talks about imposter syndrome, this is usually where people insert a “but.” It goes something like this:
You may feel like an imposter, but actually that feeling is totally normal. And you’re actually so great. And the faculty, in all their wisdom, would never have accepted you if you didn’t actually deserve to here. Oh, and actually every grad student feels this way and they think you’re awesome. So that’s true; you’re not bad. You’re good. Actually.
Despite the insistence of all those affirming adverbs, I don’t find this language particularly convincing.
The fact that it’s normal to feel this way doesn’t make me feel it any less. After all, it’s so easy for me to just double down. Like, “Maybe you all feel like imposters, but I feel it even more because I know I’m less qualified than you.”
Embracing comedy
When I feel struck in the imposter mentality, I am led to despondency. If I am convinced that I have nothing to offer, that I am on the precipice of being exposed as an idiot, then I will simply pity myself. Alas, poor me!
There is an alternative.
What if I listen to the voice, accept its narrative as being valid, but respond differently? Something like this:
I don’t deserve to be here… I don’t know what I’m doing… Everyone else is more qualified than me…
Isn’t it funny that no one has figured that out yet?
When you’re afraid of looking dumb, you are thinking defensively. You don’t have ownership over your situation; everyone else does. You are disempowered, a reactor instead of an actor.
When you turn that feeling into a joke, you gain authority over your situation. You are no longer dumb; you’re clever. You have successfully deceived everyone into thinking you’re qualified. You, sneaky as ever, are pulling off a long con. Why not double down and see how long you can pull off this scam?
Agree with the voice inside your head. Everyone is better than you! You don’t deserve to be here! But it’s hilarious that you still are, so why not enjoy it?
Disproving your imposter syndrome might be impossible, but allowing it to become your smirking compatriot isn’t.
-Matt